doing the mortal coil shuffle

James Hoover James-Hoover
1842-1847-1971

Double J.H. or "The Surly Jaw" to his friends (of which he had none) and known in most American homes as "The Man of Several Emotions," the inventor of money, twenty-first-and-a-half American president and, in general congruence, the greatest man to ever have lived was born between March 17th, 1842 and August 6th, 1847 in the small town of Thirsty Snake, North Carolina to Mr. Johannus Porridge James and Ms. Tippy Gunbullet Tigerpants-Hoover, his common-law wife. While only remaining in utero for the standard thirty-nine weeks, his highly unorthodox sixty-five-month birthing made it difficult to accurately calculate his age. Modern historians and physicians, however, begin counting from 1847, citing that it was only then that James-Hoover had "finished being born." It is said that Ms. Tigerpants-Hoover described the experience as "long."

The Invention of Money (1711)
In what is widely considered to be his greatest feat, James-Hoover invented the concept of money (as well as the first tangible currency) one hundred thirty-one years before he started being born. When asked for the reason behind his creation of a monetary system he admitted to have only done it to aid his future political endeavors. He was laureled in all corners of the globe.

Other Inventions

-The Helichopter (1865)
-The German Alphabet (1900)
-Baseball Pants (1900)
-Efficiency (1955)

Presidency (1882-1882)
James Hoover James-Hoover began his campaign for the United States presidency in 1880 and, despite being two years too young to qualify for the office, very nearly beat James Garfield. To the shock of the entire nation however, after losing the election James-Hoover continued to run. This show of extreme perseverance impressed the populace so much that he was elected mid-term in July of 1882, replacing Chester A. Arthur, who had been appointed after having Garfield secretly murdered.
Despite making more headway in both foreign and domestic affairs than nearly every other president, James-Hoover removed himself from office in November of the same year as his designation.
"It has come to my attention," he said when asked about the reason behind his resignation, "or rather has always been known to me, that there is far more money in the business of cyclone-riding than in signing papers and bossing around mailmen."

Cyclone-Riding (N/A)
James-Hoover never rode a cyclone in his life, citing an acute lack of interest.

Death (1971)
On the night of his one hundred twenty-fourth birthday, after winning the first North American Anvil Expectoration Competition, James Hoover James-Hoover drank his weight in celebratory Alaskan Bear-Taunters (one part grain alcohol, three parts black tar, no ice: the only cocktail capable of intoxicating him) at a tavern in Whispering Prawn, Indiana. He then went outside to get some air and bore witness to a lunar eclipse. In his drunkenness , J.H. thought that the moon had simply "gone out" and thus resolved to replace it.
"It was a troubled moon, anyway," he was heard mumbling as he reentered the bar, "too round and not worth a bug's fart as far as illumination is concerned."
Tying together five hundred dozen-foot ladders at the ends, the tipsy ex-statesman climbed into space, a feat described by those present as "awe-inspiring" and "actually impossible." He ascended for an hour and a half and, after "fixing" the moon, returned to terra firma complaining of "sore feet and a morose ribcage." He also exhibited a heavy perspiration on his brow, despite the legendary coldness of outer space. Within hours he was diagnosed with the first recorded case of Aetheric Dropsy (later renamed Applesauce Edema, after the physician on hand). He did not survive the night.